Alcoholism destroys relationships, families, health and minds. It has sadly consumed my father, to the point where he prizes the next sip and adult beverage more than having healthy, meaningful relationships with his own children.
9 years ago, I realized that there was nothing I could do to change his behavior and make him healthy again. So, I made a separation and distanced myself from him – allowing myself to get out of a dysfunctional household and relationship. I haven’t seen him in nearly 10 years. I made it clear to him, that I wanted something better in my life. I wanted a better dad. I wanted a father figure who didn’t drink anymore. So I told him, that the only way we could have a relationship again was for him to stop drinking. Go sober, and only then can the work begin to build something that can be deemed as a healthy relationship.
Unfortunately, none of this has happened. Powerful life events have transpired without him being a part of it. I regrettably had to notify him that he was not welcome at my wedding, due to the fact that he had shown nothing in terms of moving towards sobriety. Despite this decision, I felt like he at least deserved to know.
What follows is a letter (via e-mail, in red) written by me to him regarding the decision. Followed by his reply (in blue)
I’m writing this to inform you that on March 6th of this year, I will be getting Married.
Additionally, I’ve reached my limits in terms of the e-mails and messages you send. Enough is enough. Please try to be coherent and respectful, or don’t communicate at all.
It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other, or even had a conversation. And that is most definitely by choice.
No, I don’t count the shockingly disturbed e-mails you send from time to time as talk or conversation Nor do I count the thinly veiled and obvious jabs at me through other people (the references to my hairy back and butt at dinner with you, (Brother), and (Brother’s Girlfriend).
And your last e-mail about me not introducing you to my fiance and future wife – because she’s black? Get a clue. I could not care less about that. The reason is, I don’t want her near YOU. Get it?
Are you even aware of your own behavior and the impact it has on people? I mean, you’ve always been obnoxious – but this is just really becoming sad. And the saddest thing of all, is that I know you will defend your position, not accept responsibility, and try to place blame on me, or someone else.
How much longer can you continue to live like this?
I’m writing this e-mail because at the very minimum – you deserve to know that I will be getting married. But secondly and more importantly – that at this point in time – you are not invited and I don’t want you there.
At this point, I do not feel your presence will add to the event. In all likelihood it will be an unnecessary distraction and provide an energy that I don’t want. You can’t and won’t come sober, which is the prerequisite of any interaction with me or my family from this point forward.
Additionally, at this point – I don’t want you near my fiance and soon to be wife. If she had been in (Brother’s Girlfriend) shoes at the dinner – trust me on this, there would have been no awkward giggles or rolling of the eyes – she would have confronted you head on, and let you know exactly how rude, strange, inappropriate and disturbed she was.
There has been zero progress in your department in terms of seeing the reality of your situation: You are an alcoholic with a serious problem. I feel like the drinking was used to hide from your problems, not confront them. And because you never properly dealt with your issues, particularly of accepting your sexuality,yourself and the reality you face, combined with other issues – you have one gigantic mess. A mess that just keeps festering and getting worse with time.
When was the last time you looked at the world clearly? And realized that your family has distanced itself from you? And that nobody wants to be around you?
And lastly – everything is not about you. Yet, even as I get close to a day that I will cherish and celebrate for a long time, you continue to take credit for something that you shouldn’t be taking credit for. And continue to make everything about you. My Angel?! Spare it.
I hope that one day we can have a real relationship, and not this.
wow .. i never said any of that ever …. yet was just a simple e-mail of a smile that you’ll be happy … boy Dallas … you sure seem to have many issues that are repugnant …..
some day maybe …. your seemingly of odd mind …. hope you find your way ….
there’s alot you don’t even know …. thank god I blocked the abortion ……. there’s alot you don’t know ….
anyway …thanks for reading … I’d never goto your wedding if you asked anyway ….. not till your ready of your twist of thought will you circle and realize ….. enjoy the life I gave you …….. are you sure your not bi-polar? …….
Notice the bolding of one of his statements – “I’d never goto your wedding if you asked anyway”.
Really? If I was a parent – I would be devastated beyond belief if I was not part of my son or daughter’s wedding. I would ask myself some deep questions – and reflect on how the decisions I made and continue to made led me to that point. Some serious sacrifices and life changes would follow.
For those of you reading this and have had an alcoholic father / mother – I sympathize.